Helena: A Cross Over the Border

1 Week in Padang

2012-01-13T17:13:00.000+09:00

Tomorow afternoon will be exactly 1 week of Tania and I joining Simon in Padang.
So far it has been an enjoyable adventure. I got several messages asking me whether our move will be 'permanent' (that is until Simon's contract is done) or just temporary, a month or two. At the moment I will say, I don't know. We'll play it by ears. Tania absolutely enjoy her time with her daddy and that is irreplaceable and too precious.

Padang adventure week 1 has its challenges and of course lots of joy.
We live in Simon's rented room 3 minutes (just guessing) walk from the office.
There are so many advantages to this. Tania got quality time with Daddy, Simon got food other than Makanan Padang and we get to safe up a lot of money. Simon comes home every lunch time and dinner. Tania gets to see her dad, read book and play iPad with him. We save up on food expenses because as Simon said he can spent up to 50,000 IDR for 1 day food just for himself. Now that I am cooking, 50,000 IDR stretches for 2 or 3 days for the three of us. Simon gets to eat vegetables cooked other than swimming in coconut milk, curries etc.

Now this very big advantages present a challenge for me, especially on the cooking front.
You see... It's a rented room so we have no kitchen. We also don't have/haven't bought a stove. So as I mentioned in my previous note, I am utilizing our rice cooker to cook all of our food. HAH!! Trust me it works BEAUTIFULLY!!! Of course it takes extra work, patience and creativity but oh yeah it works. (got couple of notes from friends who said they've tried it too)

Simon already suggest me to start posting my cooking with rice cooker recipe on my cooking blog (which I intended to do). Please keep watch on it. So I've cooked full meal for us of rice, Vegetables and proteins dish, porridge for Tania and I'll start on desert this week.

The rice cooker cooking took me back at our refugee camp. I still remember very vividly the time we fled our village during the Sectarian Conflict in 2000. We fled to my mother's sister's place who live at the Navy Base in Halong. There was no gasoline for our stove and our wood supply had ran out (we live in a navy complex housing and no where near the woods). Thus my mother took the liberty to use our rice cooker to cook almost all the food we have. So when Simon Andy I still thinking of buying a stove and need to set schedule to clear out some space to cook, I told him..,. I can cook Keith rice cooker in the mean time.
He told me later that he was quite amazed that I can produce full meal from it. Nah! It's no rocket science. Nor that I am overly creative etc... Experience and my Mom taught me not to give up on situation. Thank you Mama!

Notes on Padang Arrival Day and Day 1

2012-01-09T06:28:00.000+09:00

- Short Note on Arrival in Padang: Arrived at about 3 PM. The weather was pretty bad and we had a bumpy ride on our airplane. We were welcomed by drizzle or rain and a slightly bigger one as we headed in a taxi to Simon's rented room, which will be our 'home' for the next ..... Time. I got Tania to sleep and then start unpacking and tidied thing up. Simon went to the market and bought the essentials... Electric Fan, Rice Cooker, water dispenser, plates, glasses and cutleries. We had a good nap. Our dinner was rice and food we packed from Ambon; sambal goreng Tempe and Ayam ungkep goreng, with an addition of pop mie to add a bit of soupy thing for our rice. note on the rice in Padang ... Not very nice. ---

Padang, Day 1
It was Sunday and it Began with no running water.
It didn't dampen the spirit. What's a day without bath anyway? Hehehe.... Surely the three of us can managed that.
We had the same breakfast as our dinner (meaning no extra spending for food)
Today is spent to shopping for some other essential and getting me to get used to the traffic (amazingly crazy people driving) and the route to the market and shops. It helps me to see the areas and calculate time and need whenever me and Tania go out for our daily food shopping.
lunch at shopping center. Back to the room and nap.
Late afternoon was for me to get creative and utilize the rice cooker as our alternative cooking device (since we haven't bought the kompor yet)- warm the rice, cook Tania's porridge, heat the soup for our dinner. DONE! Lovely day 1.

The Water Girl

2011-12-18T01:58:00.000+09:00

I remembered sitting in a Women Leadership class and our professor asked us to write a description of who we are. I wrote this following....

The water girl

Flows with the flows

Often bumps on hard rocks

But always manage to get through

Seeped through soil and hard stones

Though it takes time but the water will seep through

It is just a matter of time and patience

Colliding mingle mixing and always fluid with surrounding

Can be still as the lake

Can bubble with glee as the stream meet on the mouth of the sea.

Can sparkle and sprinkle as the raindrops lured it

Can rage as the stormed sea and calmed on the next wind breeze

Refreshed, soothed, cleansed

Deep and reflective

Reaching out and embrace

Water, element of life, you cannot live without.

I am now a ………… Momma

2011-12-05T04:32:00.000+09:00

I was chatting with a friend last night and he asked me whether motherhood is difficult. The question took me by surprised for 2 reason; one, his question was a bit out of the content that we were talking about and second, I don’t know how to answer. Motherhood has its ups and downs but always the most beautiful role on earth. At the moment, my 1,2 y/o baby is beginning to walk and exploring so more work, time and attention are needed.

I asked him why he asked me that. He said I didn’t write anymore. He is looking forward for my next blog entry. Awww… how nice… It feels good when you know something you did is enjoyed by others.

I told him that of course Motherhood has its constraints. As a mother, I have different perspective of life, my priorities changed and husband, my baby and family life comes first. At the moment, better-half is working in another province so Tania got all my attention. Mind you, taking care of baby/toddler is a round the clock work. I admire my mother and generations before them.

I told my friend that despite the constraints, having a baby enable me to develop new skills.

I am now a …………

One-Hand-Momma: I am now skilled to work with one hand (left hand) while balancing a baby on my hip.
Multi-tasking Momma: I can talk on the phone with my husband while feeding Tania and simultaneously talking to her and Simon.
Creative-Momma: I made up silly songs in minutes or tell an imaginative story about bird poo in seconds.
Artistic-gymnastic-Momma: I sing, dance, pranced, jumped, run, roll, throw, catch and what ever that is needed to play, entertained and learn new skill with her
Talking-Polly-Momma: I talk about anything and everything to Tania. Repeating one word like a hundred times (or more) to help her pick up the language.
Chef-Momma: Constantly searching and researching for food and recipe that she will like and cook it from scratch. Tania is lactose intolerance. So we give her only home cooked food.

So I do write but not as much as I used to and as I wanted to. Most of the writing I do now were not publicized (yet). So I thank him for reminding me of my passion. Sometimes, we also need a bit of that kick to get us starting again. At the moment, I have a lot on my plate and I need to be wise to put everything in its position.

So here's an update on my blog for all my friends who wonder what on earth happening to me in Motherhood land. I tell you... it's a serious(ly) fun circus and I'm the Juggler!

Now I have to go, need to cook Tania's food before she wakes up.... have a nice day everyone

Repost from Friendster Blog - Series of Thoughts on the subject of LOVE (in Indonesian Language)

2011-06-03T04:36:00.000+09:00

Originally posted on March 23, 2007 in My old Friendster blog

Cinta …
Satu-satunya kata yang paling sakti di dunia (dan akhirat).
Satu kata yang mampu menelurkan ribuan varian perwujudan.
Puisi … Lagu … Cerpen … Drama … Theater …
Lukisan … Novel …Simbol … Program TV…
Dan lain sebagainya yang masih dapat dirunut oleh kamu dan aku
Dan mungkin masih akan terus berkembang
Pada saat cucu dan cicit kita bertumbuh dan mengenal cinta itu …

Cinta ….
Pun memiliki ribuan objek dan sasaran …
Cinta kepada Tuhan … Cinta pada orang tua …
Cinta pada adik/kakak … cinta pada sepupu, om, tante, keluarga besar …
Cinta pada kekasih hati … Cinta kepada sahabat …
Cinta pada pekerjaan dan pengabdian … Cinta pada mahakarya …
Cinta kepada Negara …. Cinta kepada Almamater …
AND the list go on.

Cinta …
Punya banyak pemaknaan, pengorbanan dan penafsiran
Cinta buta … yang siap sedia membenturkan diri pada dinding-dinding pemisah…
Walau sesungguhnya Cinta itu tidak Pernah Buta…
Hanya mereka yang bercinta memilih untuk menutup mata…

Ada cinta terlarang …
yang perlu meliuk realita untuk dapat melegalkan sebuah hubungan
Yang kemudian diatas namakan cinta …

Cinta Sejati … betapa banyaknya orang yang mendengungkan pasangan kata ini
Bahkan anak SMP dan SMA yang baru berpacaran selama 2 hari
Sudah bisa menyebut pujaan hatinya sebagai Cinta Sejatinya …
Padahal sejatinya cinta itu belum tentu mereka pahami

Cinta tanpa pamrih (baca tulus) … Memang hanya cinta Tuhan pada manusia
Namun di dunia ..... mungkin hanyalah cinta orang tua kepada anak.
Seberapa bejatnya anak … orang tua tetap tidak akan mampu
Meninggalkan buah cinta dan darah dagingnya menderita dan disakiti.
Aku katakan mungkin karena ada juga
Orang tua yang memandang anak sebagai investasinya dimasa tua…
Agar ada yang merawat mereka pada saat mereka sudah tua, sakit-sakitan dan pikun
Tentu saja adalah kewajiban sang anak untuk kembali merawat orang tuanya
Tapi beberapa orang tua begitu terobsesi untuk hal balas budi ini sehingga yang terjadi
Bukanlah ketulusan sang anak dalam merawat melainkan membayar hutang semata

Dimensi cinta menjadi sangat universal…
Tiap generasi memiliki harta karun cinta-nya masing-masing
Bangsa-bangsa dari keempat penjuru mata anginpun
Dapat berpadu serasi pada cawan cinta
Cintalah yang membuat ebony dan ivory sit harmony
Cintalah yang membawa Melati dan Arabica duduk bersama (bukan hanya wafer tango..)

Cinta dapat bermanifestasi seturut kehendak yang mencinta
Einstein pun benar adanya … karena cinta pun relative

Cinta rasanya adalah pergolakan politik yang terus menerus
Sebuah proses merger dan bukan sebuah take over
Sebuah petualangan, pergolakan, politik yang sangat samar batasan dan indikatornya
Menakutkan namun menggairahkan …
Mengerikan namun mampu membuat kita mengecap langit ketujuh

Sebuah proses take and give yang selalu tidak pernah seimbang
Bila diukur pada neraca keadilan.
Salah satu dari kita tetaplah memberi lebih banyak disatu sisi
Dan disisi lain belahan jiwa kita itu yang akan memberi lebih dari pada kita
Semakin sering kita menghitung
seberapa banyak yang kita beri dan yang kita terima
Cinta akan semakin miskin dan bukannya semakin kaya
Gersang .... dan hanya seperti lintah darat

sibuk menghitung pembengkakan bunga pinjamannya

Kita tidak pernah bisa mengatakan secara jelas batasan adil dan tidaknya
Hanya yang bercinta saja yang mampu
Meraba batasan-batasan semu
Yang terus menerus bergeser itu….

Ada kalanya demi cinta dan mahligai cinta itu
Setangkup mimpi yang kita genggam harus tercampakan
Demi mewujudkan idealisme pengorbanan cinta
Tapi rasanya tak perlu demikian adanya
Cinta justru berarti suatu penyatuan kekuatan
untuk dapat lebih mampu mengejar asa, cita dan cinta itu

Sedih rasanya kalau demi sebuah ikatan cinta
Ada mimpi dan harapan yang harus dilipat rapih dan disimpan disudut hati
Atau yang teronggok di persimpangan jalan kesana
Tidak adil rasanya dan … sungguh bukan cinta namanya

Kalau hari ini jemariku lincah berlarian diatas tuts keyboard
Dan kalau hari ini kamu membaca buah cinta dari pikirku
Yah … juga karena aku dan kamu sedang berusaha memahami cinta kita
Varian apakah cinta kita?
Toh bukan hanya virus computer yang bisa bermetamorfosa
dan bertransformasi menjadi berbagai varian
Di zaman computer ini … patut jugalah virus cinta ini …
menginfeksi lembaran weblog-ku ini

Cintaku … masih … sedang … dan akan terus bertransformasi
Membuatku terus bermetamorfosa
Menjadi lebih baik atau lebih buruk
Itu tergantung seberapa sejati cintaku itu
Aku suka sekali untuk membantah slogan cinta kebanyakan
Bahwa … Cinta itu Buta ….
Buatku …
Cinta itu punya mata yang lebih tulus
Ia melihat dengan segenap panca indra yang dianugrahkan Tuhan

Cinta itu Pilihan
Cinta hanya memilih untuk menutup mata atas kekurangan
Mata cinta hanya memilih untuk mengabaikan
Mata cinta hanya memilih untuk memalingkan wajah
Atas hal-hal kecil mengganggu seperti kerikil dalam sepatu
Dan memutuskan untuk membuka sepatu dan mengeluarkan kerikil itu
Atau … terus saja berjalan dan menikmatinya sebagai acupressure
Toh … aku yang memilih sepatu itu
Aku yang memilih melewati jalan itu
Aku yang menorehkan jejak dengan kesakitan dalam sepatuku
Toh … waktu kupilih …. sepatu itu yang terbaik
Untuk menemaniku menapaki hariku

Cinta … Sepatu … tidak connect memang
Jangan protes aku Karena tulisan tak berujung ini
Toh kamu membacanya juga …
Salahkan saja pada cinta …
Tulisan ini lahir karena kecintaanku untuk membiarkan…
Kata-kata berseliweran bebas dalam imaginasiku
Dan kemerdekaan bagi jemariku untuk menari sepuasnya di laptop pinjaman ini

Mengisi waktu yang hampa menuju jam 10 barat dan jam 12 timur
Antara The Last King of Scotland dan kebengongan yang berjuang menaklukan kantuk

Hanya cinta yang memahami …
Untuk cinta …
Hanya untuk dia

A Song of The Moment

2011-04-19T02:44:00.000+09:00

I am singing this song of Nikita - Pilihan Terbaikku. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L1mPGWTKub8
I should thank this girl's sweet voice and the blessed song writer for this wonderful blessed song.
Getting nearer to Easter and I am meditating on how life is and how God's been working wonderfully in big or small unnoticeable way.

I'm putting the lyrics below and will translate it so my fellow friends of non-Bahasa Indonesia speaker will be blessed as well.

Pilihan Terbaikku (My Best Choice)
by Nikita

Bila Ku Renungkan               (When I Think about)
Betapa Beruntungnya Diriku (How Lucky I am)
Ku Dapat MengenalMu         (to know YOU)
Dan Merasakan kasihMu       (and to feel YOUR love)
Bila Ku Bayangkan                (When I imagined)
Mengapa Kau Menyelamatkanku (Why YOU saved me)
Ku Bersyukur Selalu              (I am always grateful)
Kau Ada Dalam Hidupku      (YOU are in my life)
(*)
Walau Saat Ini               (Though at the moment)
Dunia Tak Mengerti       (The world cannot understand)
Mengapa Hatiku MengasihiMu (Why my heart loves YOU)
Suatu Saat Pasti Kan Terbukti (One day it will be proven)
Kau Pilihan Terbaikku    (YOU are my best choice)

3 Quick Notes

2011-03-31T05:12:00.000+09:00

Two days ago was the first time in 6 months that Simon and I went to a Family Baptism Celebration for about 1 hour without Tania. Those with baby will understand how momentous this is. Of course we returned and get the report that she cried for a bit but they are able to distracted her. Hallelujah for Aunties and Grandma!
Today, I went shopping for clothes. Another momentous occasion. I have been dreading to go shopping since my postpartum body decided to grow into voluptuous shape ^_^... but family wedding day is approaching fast and I had to be prepare. Nevertheless, God is good. Despite constant teasing from Simon, which I now welcome aboard and enjoy, We manage to find a good outfit for me. YAY!!!All round applause please...
I got my almost waist length hair cut to above shoulder cut. My hairdresser, her assistant and several other women in the room gasp and wince when she cut my hair. She said "Don't you feel sad and depressed cutting your long hair?"... I smiled at her through the mirror and said... "Goodness, NO! A very active baby with long hair? I had enough for 6 month now. It'll grow back. Now... Make me 'human' again!" - Anyway, I'm lovin my new hair and I feel 'alive'

Don't have the picture of my newly cut hair yet but you can expect it coming... ^_^....

What We’ve learned as 6 month old parents

2011-03-27T05:29:00.000+09:00

The one and ONLY thing you need in raising a child is God! The source of wisdom, the Provider, the Strength and the Centre of Joy. Trust in God even in the smallest thing like changing a diaper.
Money is not necessarily the biggest problem. God has been opening doors and blessings had been flowing like rivers. SO no fear when money is short and a baby is coming. See point 1 above – Trust in God and all will be well. Take our words for it… We’ve been there and certainly, God provide even before we even think of it.
Your husband is no longer only your lover or best friend, he is the father of your child. Never neglect him or pushed him away from the exciting adventure of caring for the baby. If the father is willing and eager to be involved, include him and learn together. There’s a precious moment to a child to see her parent as one team.
(If you are lucky as I am, to live close/with one) Grandparents, Aunties, Uncles , Nephews and Nieces are great aides sent from above. These are your helpline. They come all geared up with tons of genuine love for your child and a sets of willing hands to help you, either rocking or playing iwht the baby so you can get that PRECIOUS several minutes rest.
Get rest whenever time allowed. Caring for a baby requires lots of energy (Can I Get an AMEN Ladies) and when Mommy is cranky – baby will be fussy too. A little rest will do wonders to keep your level of sane-ness and uplift your spirit. – Use helpline – see point 3 and 4
If you think motherhood is tough, try switching your point of view to the father. Fatherhood is equally tough. Just because men/husband/father didn’t go through labor pains that doesn’t mean things are easier with them. They are also entering new phase of life with new perspective, new role and new responsibility.
If baby is throwing tantrums, bad mood day, growth spurt or things just don’t go right,… pray and say this to yourself… “This too will pass!” --
Baby Bjorn, Baby Walker (and perhaps other baby stuff for you) are important tools to put baby to sleep
There are no such thing as “She has too many pictures or video al ready”. Later in her years those snapshots will be the gems. You’ll find time to laugh and smile at them.
All those fancy (read: Expensive) baby stuff, baby toys, baby clothes and baby utensils are not necessary. Baby don’t care about brand names or how cool they look. They need good diapers, clean clothes and lots and lots of love – As for clothing, they’ll grow out of it in a blink
I find that having a baby give you more time and opportunity to have intimate time with God. Those long (lonely) nights of breastfeeding are my perfect time to chat with God, to give thanks, to cry, to think and to listen, and most of all just to realize how blessed I am to be God’s partner in raising this beautiful gift in my arms. – (later then of course I will update my status on Facebook before going back to sleep)
Seeing Tania relies on us for her every single need, for love, for comfort and for protection enable me to understand my/our relationship with God. We call God, Our Father (Please no gender comments – let’s see this as a figurative language not about the patrimonial figure but rather a set of parents figure in one as a metaphor for parent-child relationship of God and us). Thus as parent and child relationship, I/we rely on God for our every need, eben the smallest one. Dear God, How on earth do I not praise you in my every breath, if like a child, I am dependent on You. You have thought of what I need and provide them on time. Verily God, You are amazing and I am humbled to find God who sees me as a child of Your own.
Be informed and be wise. Parenthood is not just tradition, habits and old-wives tale. You will get many advices – medically, spiritually or traditionally. Take them all aboard and use wisdom to go though them. We are new parent. They have has grown up, healthy and successful kids. So they do know a thing or two about raising a child. And YES, you don’t STUDY how to raise a child from a BOOK. But reading enables us to put sense to the advices whether it is beneficial for the baby medically, emotionally and physically. Some advices will be plain nonsense and dangerous but so many other traditional advices are proven helpful.
Baby sweat is the sweetest smell …. Hehehehehehe
The world is suddenly more exciting and full of new discoveries when we see it from our baby eyes – Discovering different smell, learn to sync hand and eye coordination to grab objects, learn to swallow your first food and how it taste etc
Be thankful for cicles of Momies – if you don’t have one, create one or join one. I am thankful for my many circles of Mommies those I met in real life and those I meet on internet. - - Circle of Mommies in Brighton, Circle of Ninety-Niners Mommies, Circle of Facebook Bible Study Mommies.
And of course, both Simon and I, are ever so thankful for our great parents. Being a parents ourselves, help us to understand, respect, and love our parents more. They have sacrificed a lot to get us to this time and state.

Trust me my initial list is actually longer and the list grow longer by the minutes. ^_^… But here’s is my sharing, may it be a blessing to those who reads – esp my fellow new mommies….

A letter to my better-half

2011-03-09T07:29:00.000+09:00

Dear my boyfriend (still),

We had an awesome 3 years of marriage on our hand now.

Not yet as many as our parents but we give thanks for each passing year.

But we’re also dating each other for 10 years and will still continue to do so.

Thank you for these 3 and 10 years.

We have ride the wind hand in hand high and low

We fall and we bruised

But we get up and soar again.

We have done our best to be the wind in each other’s wings

So we may fly and reach the sky

Thank you, I have flown high and you have been the anchor and the solid ground I stand.

Thus, I don’t fly too high and get lost but stay rooted and remember who I really am.

We both have our weakness and strength

In 3 years of marriage and 10 years of dating

We have learned to work in-tune with each other

We have learned to understand, accept, respect and love each other

We have been together in each other weakest point and also in our strongest point

And now as we have been trusted with our bundle of joy, Tania.

I can’t say anything else, I thank God everyday for a great man as you are.

My wonderful husband and boyfriend,

My best friend and partner

The father of my child and the better-half of me

Thank you for always treating me lovingly (I’ll do my best on my part too)

Thank you for trusting me and believing in me

Thank you for loving my family as your own

Thank you for putting our love and life in God’s hand

Thank you for the fun, crazy and adventurous thing we’ve done together (and more to come)

Thank you for the best head and shoulder massage (available every time with/without request)

Thank you for caring for me during pregnancy (your wits help me survived)

Thank you for holding my hand on the delivery room when Tania came to this world (actually, allowed your hand to be squeezed so hard by me to the point of bruising)

Thank you for a hands-on, ever so ready and willing help in those first day of parent hood (thank you to Internet and bunch of friends and family on facebook for the tips and advices)

Thank you for not reside in being “Man-ly” and always there for me as we together care for Tania. Unlike any man or other father I know for sure.

You have shown me and Tania what a great man is made of.

Hope one day she’ll be as blessed and as lucky as I am to find a man like you

Thank you for so many different things. I would like to say more but the list will go on and on

So I’m ending it with the most important thing

Thank you for choosing me…

Note on My Birthday

2011-02-16T13:29:00.000+09:00

So I have another birthday. Another Year passed and many more years to fill with love and adventure.
Yes, I am now the big 3-0. Phew... that's a big number. I have been blessed abundantly, beyond my imagination and I am thanking God for all His love and grace.I am thanking my mom and dad for they have done one-hell-of-a-great job raising me, educating me and help me finding my own way. Imagine if they decided to ditch me even before i was born, or raise me badly. I can't imagine the result. But all in all, I know God has written each one of us a beautiful plan of life.

I had a wonderful birthday. This is rather an important milestones. As I said before, I'm in the big 3-0.
I had a wonderful early birthday surprise from my better-half (Thanks Honey. You're the best!)
My mom-in-law cook me a very special but sophisticated vegetable dish that took her hours to finish, plus baking me a roll-cake. I am so touched.
A funny, "it-happend-again" Birthday incident with my Mom... hehehehe...
Plus, My students gave me surprise gifts. Awww... thank so very much to Sally, Nenny, Doory, Christ and Berry. being with you is already a gift for me.

I woke up on Feb 14th, thinking what a rich person I am. I have countless Birthday greetings and many people who sends their love and blessing on my birthday. I have 2 families who love me unconditionally. Friends and family around the world. But I found my precious gift of all, lying next to me as I opened my eyes every morning. My better-half, Simon and our baby Tania. Thank you God for this wonderful life.

God according to Tania

2010-10-31T04:29:00.000+09:00

I chatted with my baby girl, Tania, just few minutes ago. She's 7 weeks old now.
Praise God, she grows in wonders day by day. She is actively trying to engage and interact with us.
She can recognize both Simon and I and we are always awarded with her smiles and chuckles.
We both enjoy chatting with her. We will talk to her and she will coos, chuckles and smiles.
Just now, we are both alone and we busily chat about anything and nothing at all.

I asked her, "Do you still remember how God look like? Can You tell me how God looks like?"
She grins and pointed her fist at me... then chuckles again...

Indeed, She reminds me that my life is no longer mine and not only me... it is Jesus who live within me...
I have receive the grace of God who give His only Son to die for me... so my life is an adventure to let others to see God in me. Everyday of my life, just like Tania, is growing and learning to be more like Jesus.
For I am an Open Letter where everyone can read and realize how wonderful is to live with God. Thus I need to walk my life by the Word of God... I am not perfect but in Him I am made perfect only by His grace. Praise only be to God.

Today

2010-10-17T14:48:00.000+09:00

Ever woke up feeling so low, mucky, unmotivated and feels like everything in the world is so wrong and has gone wrong?.... sigh... There are those days...I'm having one of them today that even praying felt so distance thing to do. I typed a suited word on my Facebook status and seconds later, my friends painted a smile on my face with their comments. Please, don't judge me for changing my Facebook status first instead of praying. I believe God spoke and relate to us in different ways and forms. It's His way of telling me it's OK to be low sometimes and reminding me that He is always with me. He has put those angels, my friends, whose comments made me smile - A blessed smile.

So here's a poem by Harriet Jenereaux, Merigomish, NS as my prayer and may it be your prayer too this morning. Thank you Jesus for a blessed Sunday Morning.

We do not know the future and we cannot change the past. Today is all we know about and it surely doesn't last. But while I have today, well, at least I have this minute, I want to take the time, Lord, to make sure that You are in it. I really want to thank you For the little things You do. The things I take for granted, For the forests that You've planted. The sky so blue, or grey or pink, These are things of which I seldom think. The grass in summer, such a pretty green So close it usually goes unseen. The flowers blowing in the fields The wind, to which each flower yields. The snow in winter, that covers our land Thy Word tells us each season's planned. Springtime is fresh with all things new And Autumn gives us a land of every hue. There is so much that You keep on giving, Family and friends and a life that's worth living. You've given me so much wealth And you top it off with my good health. But I must not forget to thank Thee today, For giving me a land where I'm free to pray, And a Bible to read and a church to attend. For these, I am thankful and will to the end And as always from deep within I want to thank You for atoning my sin. That sin would have doomed me to a Christless hell, But You bore it for me and You want me to tell So today I thank You, for a voice to speak, A computer to write on and people to seek. I thank Thee I was born in such an age That Your truth is freely on the printed page. There seems to be so many things That the more I think, my heart just sings. So I'll close my prayer today With "May these thoughts never go away".

Repost from my Old Blog

2010-10-15T03:48:00.000+09:00

Photo from http://www.aswellas.co.nz/article.cfm?id=26

I am reading my old writings in my old blog in Friendster. Those writings made me smile, laugh, shed tears and inspire me. It's some sort of an introspection and a reminder of how God has been in my life. I must admit, after giving birth I thought I develop Agoraphobia... lol ^_^... Hehehehe... Don't worry it's not that serious. It is just a phase of adjusting to the new rhythms of life with Tania presence. Of course in the beginning, my body is recuperating but then it's a matter of how different it is now for us to go out. No longer I can pull up my boots or sneakers and head out. No longer can I go on with "No Plan is a good plan" scheme. I need to prepare Tania's this and that. Plus plan my route so if Tania wants to feed I know a place where I can breastfeed her. Then it's the matter of newbie to breastfeeding let alone breastfeeding in public place. Anyway, After 1 month now plus Simon's help in everything. I started to get the hang of things.
Now, let's get back to my old blog. I found this entry I posted in May 2006 on PMS - Pre-Menstrual Syndrom. It brought smile to me for I have been on the other side of my post. I Thank God that all turned out to be well. Tania is here... and everything happen in God's own time. So without further ado... here's the post

-------------------

PMS (Pre-Menstrual Syndrom)

May 26, 2006 by helenahelena

Last night, there was an earthquake. Quite hard, 7.5 Richter scale. Everybody ran out. I did too but after all is calm, I went back to sleep. My mother, father and other neighbor were still outside. This morning I woke up groggy and moody. I think it's because I cannot contact Simon last night. But on top of all I think its my PMS acting out.

Speaking of PMS, I have to admit that I hate to undergo that every month pain and emotional-abnormality but today I tried to think from a different perspective.

If every month I encountered it with such hateful way.

I must be grateful and remember that...

There are women who beg the Lord to to gave them one,

even the most painful one they are willing to bear

Therefore, there will never be a baby born from her womb

without father or before marriage vows is said

If I wish I never have one all my life

I must be grateful and remember that...

There are women impatiently waiting for years

For the monthly blessing to stop

Therefore they can joyously tell their husband

Of the new life that is on his/her way.

Oh Lord. Sometimes life is complicated but life is to be bear patiently.

I’m thankful now that I still had my PMS

Therefore I don’t have to go panic

Because the pregnancy test turn double pink strip

And when my time comes

I wish it stop at the right time

For me to embrace the new life

Trusted on me to care.

---

The Birth of Mother and Father

2010-10-10T13:50:00.000+09:00

"The moment a child is born, the mother (and the father) is also born.

She (and he) never existed before.

The woman (and the man) existed, but the mother (and the father), never.

A mother (and a father) is something absolutely new."

Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh - And I add the "father" part

Where should I begin? No words could ever describe this exuberance feeling I have at the moment. My baby Tania is 1 month old already. I thank God that she continues to be the Joy for every new day. It is incredible that only a little bit over 1 month ago I was this big walking light bulb shaped person. It is amazing how my little baby is now growing that she outgrown her clothes already. And it is (still) hard to believe that Simon and I are parents... A mother and a father. Surreal!!!

It all started in 08/09/10 ... They called is "Tanggal Cantik" - Beautiful date (formation). Whatever it is, that date marked a new milestone in the life both Simon's and mine. I love the caption that Simon put in one of the photo in Tania's Photo Folder, "The last dusk for the two.. a new beginning for three". It was a picture of a sun coming down above Brighton Pier and Brighton City taken from the window of my delivery room. Indeed, it was a new beginning.

Being a new parent... having a newborn babies entering your life is both exhilarating and frightening. No longer would I only think of myself and my husband. Somehow, I have to balance me, my husband and our baby. I am entering a world where I have no adequate knowledge and know-how. I am face to face with another human being with limited ability to communicate and I have to make sure I take her cues to fulfill her needs. I read the above quotes about the birth of a mother. I love it. I think it really describe what I felt about motherhood. When I was pregnant, I fancy the idea of being a mother, grinning at the addition to my name as
my friend called me "Mak Peanut or Mummy Peanut" (pssst... Tania was lovingly nicknamed Peanut when she was still in my womb). But it was never until I witness her arrival in the world that the word "mother" embraced me in its full sense. I have always been there, a daughter, a girl, a woman, a sister etc. These attributes are attached to me and I don't have to struggle to fit in their shoes. But being a mother is a matter of being born again.

As Christian, the term "born again" is usually use to describe those who attend pentecostal or evangelist churches. Now, I do not want to debate and going all out on the lecture of "Born again Christians" and those who do not attribute themselves to this term. Born-Again Chritian is someone who made a decision to solemnly put his/her trusts in the resurrected Jesus for forgiveness of their personal sin and lives their life in obedience to the laws of God’s kingdom. They have, in effect, been born again of the Holy Spirit. Ongoing submission to the Holy Spirit in their life enables Christians to live their lives as God wants. This decision is cemented in (adult) Baptism. So the emphasis of baptism is not only on the symbolic acts of water sprinkled over your head or being submerged from the water or the cross sign made by the priest but on the act of conscious decision. A decision I made to realize my wrongs, turn to follow the right path and surrender myself in God through Jesus Christ. Therefore, I am being born again by the Grace of God through the Son Jesus Christ. I am being born with new attitude towards life and with a new faith that my life is no longer mine but it is God and Jesus within me. - Note: being born again doesn't mean that we are saint and better than others - Being born again means living in ongoing, constant and continuous relationship with God, thus we do our best as human to walk in the path of the righteousness and to know that God is only a prayer away.

So being a mother is also being born again. A brand new person with new attitudes, new daily routines perhaps new principles and a mountain of new skills to learn and master. Breastfeeding, nappy change, burping, lullabies etc etc etc etc...After 1 month, I think I now started to get the hang of everything. Thank you to my friends, my sisters and my family for their support in my first days (and week) of my motherhood. Being a mother also draws me even closer to God. There's that feeling of being God's partner in bringing up this little human being. I fully believe that just as my life is, My baby's life has also been planned by God and I am working with God to raise her according to God's will. Psalm 139: 13-16 said, "For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them."

Anyway, I was enjoying the joy (and pain and struggle) of motherhood when I realize one very important thing that was missing from the quote I put above. Where is the father? Why they only mention mother? I watched my husband that day as he took the wet laundry out to dry in the sun and then came back in to neatly fold the dry ones. O My Lord how very selfish we are to bathe ourselves in glory of being a mother and slightly put a side the role of a father. The day Tania, our baby girl, was born... It wasn't only a mother that was born... father too. He is also totally new to this role and somehow never really sure where to fit in the limbo of pregnancy and giving birth that is so "exclusively" dominated by us women.

He is half of this new human being. God created her, half of him and half of me. Therefore, we are equal. None of us is more important than others. I remember posting a comment on Adit's notes entry the other day about this man-woman relationship. I said "Man and woman needs each other. None of them are better than the other. I think we should ditch the use of degree of comparison in man-woman relationship. Nobody is "better than..." or "the best of...". We are created special with different qualities and capabilities that completed each other." -

Most of the time when we visited newborn, we tend to give our attention to the baby and the mother. We coo at the baby, hug the mother, share the feeling sorry of their pain and share their joy of doing their job so well done. Then we turn to the father and congratulate him and told him to take good care of them. He will sat in one of the chair, sometimes in the corner or maybe he went outside to smoke while everyone circle around the mother and the baby. In this picture father is a complimentary additional objects. Not fully incorporated in the scene. which is a pity because Mums aren't the only ones who suffer emotional and physical meltdown when they're faced with first-time parenthood. Being a new Dad can be very stressful too. Simon was with me through out my labour and the birth of Tania. During my labour, he was there holding my hand, rubbing my back and being squeezed real hard when contraction hit hard. We are fortunate for being in England, Fathers are encourage to be with the wife through out the process. In Indonesia, usually father waited outside, fidgeting while listening of his wife screaming, midwife instruction and then baby cry. Father's are being brushed aside because this is none of male's business. Women took over from here please...! *~*... As man, you stay outside and fulfill your duty to pay the hospital fee, earn enough to meet all mother's and baby need, understand mother's fragile feeling, help with the baby etc etc etc... Suddenly, we exclusively glorify woman in motherhood and neglected father in their early fatherhood too. Their role sometimes reduced to sperm donor, bodyguard, walking ATM machine, private driver, personal photographer and so on. Never in full recognition within "Motherhood".

Therefore, in recognition of my husband's role as husband, best friend, lover and father of my child, I add the word father to the quote. As the day a Mother is born, a Father is born too. Together, they should be the pair of wing which the child will fly high. Both wings are equal, strong, supportive and work in unison with each other. None is more important. None is better than the other. Indeed, it's a new beginning for three (or maybe four later)

- A big thank you and love to Simon - for his love and support. You are the best husband and the best father in the world -

Something that jump straight off my mind and dance on my keyboard

2010-06-10T00:48:00.000+09:00

Membuncah dan begah

Terseok menahan remuk tulang

Pecah kulit tersengat

Cermin pun harus berbohong

Tubuh menetak

Pecah

Tanah yang meliat

Elastis

Tertarik

Terdorong

Terbanting

Peluh

Sakit

Tapi tak hancur

Bakar… bakarlah tembikar

Menghitam

Mengeras

Biar perapian memuntahkan benjana baru

Dari aku

Dari tanganmu

Punyamu

Untuk kami

Dekat

Belum pernah lebih dekat

Didalamku

Yang membuncah dan begah

Dekat

Dekat sekali

Menyemburat senyum

Biar terpanggang

Biar luka

Aku dan benjanaku

Dekat
Dekat sekali

YES!!!! I'm included in the round up.

2010-06-07T01:15:00.000+09:00

Uuuh Yeah!!! Oooh Joy!!! I am so so very happy.
My recent love story with cooking is finally shows some progress. Not just that I enjoy the cooking process or eating the result and lovin' Simon's yummifying it, but also in taking picture of it. I think my new love story is growing with food Photography.

In regards to this last love story i mention above, I finally made it to Cooking Community on Internet called Masak Bareng Yuuuk! I got to know and bookmarked several blog of much experienced friends and got really inspired.

Well, this month I decided that I'm brave enough to include my recipe and photo for this months theme Egg-Based Dish. Lucky for me, my better-half bought me a BBC cooking book and I found a simple recipe, Greek Salad omelet, that contain two of my fave food items, black olives and feta cheese. Plus, when it was done the smell and taste of parsley with cooked omelet was really divine. Simon, on the other hand, don't fancy olives. No biggie, he just have to chuck them to my plate. Anyway, I made it to the round up! Together with much experience friends I have been drooling over their blog all this time. To see the round up result click here.
Hehehehe... It's just a small thing of course... but it made me really happy to find a new hobby that I really enjoy. Who knows it can bring fortune one day. ^_^

And to my honey, Thanks for letting me borrow the camera plus cheering me upand ran around crazy taking picture of the food. Luv ya!!!

To get the complete recipe of Greek Salad Omelet click here.

3 New Discoveries

2010-05-30T15:13:00.002+09:00

Good Morning all!! At least it is morning here ini UK. 6. 45 am to be precise.
Anyhow, those 3 new discoveries are revelations, marks of a new beginning (???)
Babble... babble... bablle... in short

Discovery #1
I no longer fit in my clothes. At least the clothes I brought from Indonesia. Those I wish I can wear for summer. We were doing a bit of spring cleaning yesterday and finding time to sort through clothes. You know, winter has passed and summer is around the corner. Time to packed up the thick jackets shawls etc and put some colors and mini dresses \(^,^)/....
It's no biggie... I know... but learning to be realistic, I need to put aside, donate or throw away those clothes I love. C'Mon, it will probably be loooong time before i can fit in them again. By that time, I reckon I rather buy new ones.... HEY KA-CHING!!! YAY!!! blessing in disguise... a perfect reason for SHOPPING!!!

Discovery #2
Public toilets in Brighton, UK are awesome. I think I have befriended most of them. From supermarket's toilet, park toilet's, restaurant toilet's, railway and airport's toilet etc. I am very glad that they were all in great condition. Not smelly, clean and dry. oh well not germ free of course. C'Mon it's PUBLIC toilets.
But with my present condition I want to thank the council staff and volunteer workers who worked very hard keeping public toilet clean. People might underestimate and sometimes disrespect you, but you'all have done great to add to our comfort. THANK YOU!!!

Discovery #3
I loooove cooking. Surprisingly! Can't say I'm good at it. But I love the process and of course result. Best part is if it turned out to be (surprisingly) yummy - apart from surprise it is actually edible - is the nummy noise we made on the table yummifying the food. hehehehehe... Thanks to my better-half who never complained and always joyful to finish anything I put on the table.
With my ever increasing need and craving to eat, I have fun playing the role of financial manager. Making sure little can go a long way and still be nutritious, balance and healthy. So far so good....
And on promotional note... visit my foodie blog where I put complete recipe of my cooking. Mind you, it's beginner's cooking but fun enough to try.
Now, please agree with me.. there's no such things as I can't cook. Everyone can cook.
You just need to put aside time, be brave and have fun. What my better-half said, "cooking should be fun and daring. and Adventure". I mean he is getting good at cooking too. He's much daring and adventurous with ingredients and sometime put other ingredients (that we don't usually put) in his cooking and it turned out just as great as it is with his twist on it. Anyhow, try cooking and have fun...

Oh well, I am celebrating little things in life. Nothing in life is a coincidence. God is only too good for us.
Be blessed all

After A Great Weekend - I'm Browning

2010-05-24T14:19:00.000+09:00

Monday! Do I love monday... Yeah pretty much...
Anyhow, I had a great weekend. It's proper spring to summer weather.
I ditched the extra layer of long-sleeved + stocking and long johns, shaved my legs (lol!!!), put on mini sack dress, sunglasses, lotion and headed out to the glorious sun.
It's something about the sun that makes you feel so ALIVE!!
Of course, back home I'll be (sometimes if not always) cursing the hot weather. But after a looong winter I am ready to embrace the sun.

We spend 2 days in a row at the beach with the view that of course - a feast to any man's eyes.
Sprawling semi naked bodies on the beach and parades of bare shaved legs and sexy shoulders are literally EVERYWHERE!! In the lawn in front of the church, small parks, stairs in front of the house any place with sun. People are sun-hogging. Simon and I giggled at these new 'species' which last week, when the temp was still nippy, was nowhere to be seen.

Sunblock and sun lotion with high SPF has gone up by 100% this weekend. Which remind me I need to get one too. I find my skin, esp my nose, burns easily now. At least I do not want to ended up like a lost Rudolph in Summer.

Alright, the day promise a great sunny and warm. I'm gonna enjoy it. Coz by Thursday it will plummet a bit.

Happy Sunny Days!!

Finally!!!

2010-05-13T18:37:00.000+09:00

**Grinning ear-to-ear**

I've been wanting to write for a loooooooong time now. The excuse were lazy, no mood, lost of energy and no mood. So today, out of no apparent reason - no sudden bells ringing or light shone from above - I'm just in the mood for writing (again).

**Lips pouting** Alright!!!.... **Scratching my nose** What to write???
AHA! Random Notes ... (bear with me!!!)

- I need to start editing and uploading pictures and notes for my foodie blog as promised to several friends. Sorry girls, tiredness just get the better of me.
- Write down shopping list for next week for tomorrow.
- Set new goals and new routine for my daily exercise. I've been doing 4 laps of brisk walk around The Level Park plus go up and down the 'hill' to our house. I've been thinking of adding new routine such as window shopping at London Road and North Laine. LOL!!!
- The kitchen floor needs scrubbing... Hmmmm... whether I want and in the mood for that. Let's see...
- Decide whether my new hobby of moving the TV (it's a small TV!!!) from bedroom to kitchen or dining room so I can watch my fav daytime TV is a good one? My better-half said I'm turning into "ibu rumah tangga" (not that it's a bad thing to be one though- but on the point of being addicted to soap opera - Arrrghh Sinetron). Hmmm... Maybe 'Desperate Housewife' hehehehehe.
Mind you... I'm hooked on cooking show and Murder-Investigation Drama plus of course Neighbors and Home and Away which we can call Sinetron.
- Spring weather is awfull in the meantime. Nippy and rainy... Oh What a great british Weather...

Alright, that's about it now. I'm off doing stuff

Sunday Blessing

2010-02-28T17:23:00.004+09:00

I'm being nauseated for the last few months and frankly now I began to miss enjoying my food without hating it on the 5^th spoon. This morning I woke up feeling queasy too so I decided to lie for a while in bed… praying… thinking… daydreaming…

I remember one lesson we talked about often at home about blessing of contentment… or blessing to enjoy… Well… here I am struggling with the right English term for it… mind you this is 6 am and my brain is everywhere right now.

In Indonesia we call is “Karunia Menikmati” – roughly translated as blessing to be able to enjoy what we have - And of all the blessings we used to ask God in our prayer, I guess this is one blessing we somehow forgot to mention. We ask for happiness, success, wealth, to be kept away from danger and harm etc etc.

No matter how much we have - a lot or little – blessing of enjoyment of being content in what we have will make everything worthwhile and that will bring happiness. So many of us embark in the ladder of life where we get better position in work and receive better salary, then what happen. Our needs grow more and more. We somehow never seem to have enough. We became “greedy” because we cannot be happy with what we have right now. Just look around, there are more people who have much less than what you have but they live and they survive. For every animal God provide shelter and food. For us God will do even more… only if we first learn to be happy with what we have, to be content with enormous blessing of life we receive every new day…

So Dear God… give me today a blessing of contentment – for me to enjoy fully your blessings in my life no matter how little or how big it is… and to share it with others…

Teach us O God to count our blessings so we may receive a heart full of wisdom

Happy Sunday!

Passing 2009 to 2010

2010-01-03T02:14:00.000+09:00

31 Dec 2009 - The Last Day of 2009
Wow!! What a feeling! I have woke up to 365 new days sometimes with big hope sometimes with a moody feeling. Adults breathe in average between 18,000 - 30,000 per day meaning that in average I had breathe between 6,570,000 – 10,950,000 times in 2009. I am alive and breathing. So Thank You God for the blessing of life. For every single breath that I take, I worship You, My God, My Creator and My Salvation.

This is my second year away from my big family in Ambon for both Christmas and New Year. But this year is special, Simon and I got to spend Christmas and New Year with our small family that God put together. He he he he… whenever I think about it I got the tingle in a silly place… like it start in my toes make me crinkle my nose… whenever I go the feeling shows… he he he he….. We also do not travel anywhere for this holiday time – in anticipation for the 2010 plan – we simply savor every second we have.

My habit for the last few years, watching the last sunrise of the last day of the year then the sunset that marked the end of the daylight in the year and of course, the sunrise of the new year. So here I am in Brighton, UK sat on my window with a mug of hot tea with milk – British Tea. I meant to go out to the beach but Alas the weather is not very friendly at the moment. The wind is blowing pretty hard, I can hear it banging my window. There’s a light rain outside with temperature of 4 C. The wind 13mph and wind chill at 0 C… so yes… it is cold outside.

I parted our curtain to let the sunshine in and I can see it now slowly coming in although it is gloomy outside. I am waiting for the sun to go high. Allowing the ray of sun chased the dark away. While waiting for the sun, I made a collage of the picture from Dec 2008 to Dec 2009. Let me tell you stories behind those pictures...

Dec 2008 - My and the Snowman. That's my first snowman and first snow during my study in US. I miss everyone in Hartford. I met new best friends, sisters and family apart from the knowledge from my study. I thank Rev. Jacky Manuputty for unforgettable learning and experience money can't buy.

Dec 08 - Jan 09 - Simon and me travel some cities in Europe for Christmas and New Year, Amsterdam, Paris, Brussel, Maastricht, Volendam, Voorthuisen. Never in our wildest dream we can do that. God is Good to us.

April 2009 - Sherman Street and Friends first Outdoor spring breakfast together.

May 2009 - I think this is the barbecue afternoon after we completed the papers and exams. A Spring party with lecturers, students and family.

May 2009 - The Women Leadership Institute last day group pictures. Here are my soul sisters. I miss the once a month session.

May 2009 - Also marked my graduation from Hartford Seminary. Pheew... I never thought I would make it. Thank you God.

June 2009 - Reem's farewell and also farewell to most of us who will depart home. I am one of those people flying home.

July 2009 - Young Ambassadors for Peace workshop. I miss those spark when I am around these wonderful young people.

October 2009 - Here's me and Simon in UK. We will be here for 1 year!!!

----

31 Dec 2009 4.45PM The sun has finally set for 2009. Yes, the sun sets at 4 PM because it's daylight saving. We had our dinner and prepare to head out to the Brighton Pier at Sea front to join streams of people looking forward for 2010.

Seafront was packed with people from all over the world. Travelers, tourists and local people joined together. Exactly at Midnight, people started to launched fireworks and they also launched Lanterns, paper lanterns. It's like Chinese new year lantern only it's not red but white paper. Soon the sky was filled with flying lantern carrying hopes, dreams and prayers for a better 2010. In the back ground, fire works boom booming, people cheering, waves splashed the pebbles and music from seafront pub and bars. Simon and I stood in embrace sharing our hopes and dreams...lift a thankful prayer to God the Almighty... We have our lantern flying upwards too... in the shape of our hearts. Happy 2010

Summing up!

2009-12-30T03:25:00.001+09:00

Simon is busy studying and finishing his assignment (something I -perhaps- miss now... lol...). The Uni is closed so he study home. I am too lazy to go out and about doing my exploring of the city's streets and corner so I propped my pillow up, bundle up under the blanket with hot water bottle inside for extra warmth and perhaps do a little Christmas sum up!

Thursday, 24 Dec 2004
Still a bit tired from our London Escapade 2 days ago. I rushed to church to volunteer preparing Community Christmas Dinner. We have about 100 people to feed for Christmas and another 100 for Boxing day - the day after Christmas. It was a great fun. I love mussing around in the kitchen and consider myself as a good help to our Chef Martin. Well, it turned out that most volunteer didn't make it and it was only Chef Martin, me and another woman, whom name I forgot by now. We prepared a traditional English Christmas Meal. Turkey with stuffing, Brussels sprout, potatoes, carrot, gammon as well as some more cookies, cakes and snacks for people to bring home. I was in charge for preparing Brussels sprout for both days as well as chopping tons of carrots. Then I helped Chef Martin for the most important task... tasting the turkey stuffing... lol... indeed the most satisfying task. My first encounter with Turkey (the big bird or chicken **giggling**) was in 2008 Thanksgiving Dinner at Diann Bailey's house.

Anyway, as soon as the cooking preparation is done. we headed out to the dinning room to set the table. We did a very nice job to beautify the simple dining room with colored table linen, choc in wrap that we made last week etc. Simon took a nice picture of the hard work when we head back to the church for Christmas Eve Midnight Mass.

The Midnight Mass was very intimate with dimmed light and candle to infuse introspective and serene atmosphere. Surprisingly, I was asked to be the Cantor... or lead singer on one of the song, "It Came Upon The Midnight Clear".

What I've learned in the kitchen today was how stress free and simple preparation it is to cook a European food compared to Indonesian food. Goodness... We might have been half way finished with the food while Indonesian food had just reach the grinding of ingredients stage... lol... but one thing for sure... those tedious job of Indonesian food made it unbeatable in flavor and what a feast to the eye, tongue and stomach it is...

Friday, 25 Dec 2009

It's CHRISTMAS!!! I'm soooo happy. Simon and I exchanged presents and headed to Church. it was lovely day and we sang many songs. What warmed my heart so much was the look in Miillie and Talie's face. These are our pastor's children. Millie wanted a White Tiger Doll so much she cannot stop talking about it. And Tallie loves Dinosaurs and had drew great picture of them and even know much about their details. So Simon and I secretly get Millie a White Tiger Doll and a Dinosaur Sketch Tutorial Pack for Tallie. They brought it to church this morning and how they beam with happiness. We asked the parents not to tell them who this is from. Millie is now inseparable from Lakshmi, the White Tiger and Tallie drew more amazing picture of Dinosaur with more details to the muscle and movement. Aaahhh... I'm happy.

The service then continued with the Community Christmas which was having meal together. Those who came were those who have no one to celebrate Christmas with - most of them are old people where their children and grandchildren do not come to see them, the homeless people, and some new people in town. Simon and I sat together with 3 old but very nice people, Ann, Muriel and Thomas as well as Abby, an elderly woman in wheel chair. Toward the End I manage to steal a member of the neighboring table to engage with our table.. he he eh... his name is Andre from Poland. New to town still learning English.

The food was great, I know I helped cook it. The table was festive and people are happy with the chocolate bundle in their place mats. Also the church give-away Christmas presents everyone. I of course already know since I helped wrap everything up. he he he... absolute fun of a volunteer.. you got the sneak peek of everything. Anyway, after the mid-day meal - which instead of calling it Christmas Lunch, they called it Christmas Dinner - came the sing along session where everyone took part in it.

In the evening, Simon and I set table in our small and cramped kitchen with red table cloth and gold table runner. Aaahhh It looks very christmasy. Hhhhh.... **sighing with a smile**
I wish everyone had a wonderful and blessed Christmas as we did. Thank You, Lord Jesus!

So This is Christmas...

2009-12-24T18:44:00.000+09:00

"... And what have you done... another year's over... the new one just begun..."

I've been humming to this song these last 2 days as well as this morning when I woke up.
I did wake up to humming this song out of the bed and wow... how it is true. I walked to our electric kettle and push the on button to boil the water. I fancy a hot cream tea this cold morning. Then I headed to my laptop, switched on and log on to my Facebook. Hhhhhhhhh.... (happy sigh).... My Facebook is flooded with Christmas greetings, cards and pictures. Thank you all who have sent me all those blessings. Just know one thing, I sat there looking at my screen with Biiiiggg smile and intense warmth feeling that I don't need that hot cream tea anymore.

If I look to my right, I see my husband's sleeping face from between our small christmas tree branches. Yes, we're still recovering from our intense London trip the other day. I smiled to the fact that... I'm a married woman. I know I am changed in one way or another such as... I am more fuzzy about domestic stuffs, enjoy... no wait... fall in love with cooking and I guess I felt more settle to have a firm ground to stand. I think I am so blessed. ** smiling**... I don't have a fairy tale kind of marriage where eveything is happily ever after forever. I am not saying that I am not happy too... but it's a different kind of happy.

It's not a Cinderella story as we read in books or watch on TV. After married to the prince, Cinderella realized that the Prince always (exageratting a bit) forgets to close all doors to cupboard, wardrobe or fridge. Since we are living in a shared house, I am always aggitated when my Prince turn the TV volume more than scale 4. H ehe he he.... then he will sniff and call me "Grouchy Grammma". Sometimes we have diffrent way of conveying what we mean and understand it differently... yes... misunderstanding that leads to sulking, a bit voice raising and refuse to talk to each other for sometime (never more than 1 day though)... trust me I hate this moment, one of the reason is... I have stiff neck for trying to avoid looking at me.

But undaubtedly, I am very happy... I mean very very very happy. There are more positive and beautiful things to be cherised and thankful about that those minor aggravated moments. That on certain things the Prince is neater and more organized than Cinderella. That the Mars and Venus principle are not constant and can be taken as it is.... I have a more Martian way on certain matter and He has some Venusian way on certain matter. That my Prince is always ever so helpful in domestic chores. And so on... the list goes on and on and on. **say this with big smile on my face**

So what have I done this year? Well.... I have done many many things... But what have I done to my God that would be pleasing to His heart? I guess I didn't give Him much joy than HE gave me. He have me more joy and blessings more than I can imagine. A continuous opportunity for me to learn from my mistakes to try to be a better me, a great marriage with a magnificent husband, a great family back home and new family found here in foreign land, opportunity for my study and self-improvement etc. Thank you Jesus for unlimited love and blessing YOU gave me.

And today is Christmas, the day to celebrate your coming to the World. Despite all those "intelligent" reasoning that christmas is pagan celebration and that YOU were not born in December. Whatever that is... I am celebrating my faith in YOU. My faith goes beyond that because by faith and by experiece I have seen the work of YOUR mighty hands. A few weeks ago we have a chat with a friend and she sort of snicker on the idea of "Leap of Faith" saying "So what do you expect? Do you think when you pray God will send money down from the sky?"... - I am flabergasted - I want to jump on her face and said "YES YES"... money (or whatever we need) might now falling literally from sky, but GOD provide and God use many channel and means to deliver it to us. Look at me and Simon, we put our faith to God and we have never never lack anything. God provide on the right time, never too late or too soon. And mind you, this is a chruch goers person who said this to me. It is sad when you "intelligize" faith and to see it merely as religion and a set of dogma to be scrutinized. It is sad when you see church as merely the building and as an organization. everything should come to a balance I say.

Anyway, I am very happy this Christmas. I enjoy it in a totally different way. oouuuppsss... I think I am late now. I am volunteering to help preparing community Christmas. It's a christmas celebration that provide food for homeless on Christmas day and a day after. I am going now.. Ciao

"It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas"

2009-12-19T17:53:00.000+09:00

I have just posted this sentence in my Facebook status. Yes! Indeed... it began to feel like Christmas to me.
Then you asked me... Is it because of our small Christmas tree perched on a small table next to our bed?
"No, not that", I say
Is it because of the Christmas Cards you received which you display nest to the tree?
"Hmmm, not exactly that"
Is it because Christmas decoration you can see everywhere?"
"No No Not That too"
"Is it because all the yummy goodies, chocolate, biscuits, cookies and food you have baked?"
"Ha ha ha ha... certainly not... I don't even have a proper kitchen to roll the dough or bake cake"
"I know ... it is the carol song you sang!"
"Not that too... Which reminds me... I have caroling to go to this afternoon. But No not that"
"Uhmmmm, the snow... It is winter in wonderland - white Christmasy, right?
"Nope"
You scratch your head, beginning to feel irritated at me and at this guessing game...
I know soon you'll sulk and abandon this posting of mine. So OK... Let me tell you why...

.... silent ....

"Weeeeeeeellllllll", you raised one eyebrow and make your 'well' go long with a hit of agitation

"I...", I stopped again. "I....", and stop again. "I don't think I know how to put it in words", I hear me say.

"I mean... few days ago I was irritated with the commercialized Christmas. But I think I am beginning to 'feel' the Christmas spirit. Not in the Christmas tree, not the decoration in the street corner - well, Brighton is not very festive in decoration either - Not the Cookies, which I have no place and apparatus to bake and certainly not the beautiful fluffy white snow - somehow lost a bit of it's beauty when they turned to mud that stick to your boots and magically transformed into icy road which... of course... makes walking ridiculously difficult. he he eh... I love snow still... Well... YEAH! I'm from a country with no snow unless in our highest mountain.OK OK OK OK... unimportant information.... Now back to the Feeeeeelllingg of Christmas.

Simon and I found ourselves doing very different things that we usually do.

We volunteered at Drop-In center that serves hot food to the homeless. Now, this is new for us.
We do not book a fancy restaurant for Christmas Dinner or spend humongous amount of money for Dinner party or food. We join the 2 days of Community Christmas arranged by our church, URC Brighthelm. It is to provide dinner, sit and eat together with homeless, lonely people and who ever it is who came.
The idea of us, substituting our money with unconditional giving really make this Christmas Special for me.

We have several Christmas cards now beautifully stand next to our tree reminds us how much love we receive from people. It's not about how many Christmas Card you receive but imagine this, We are new in this country still we find people lovingly wrote our address and send one card for us. the cards warmed our room more than the radiator... :-)

The tree, the decorations, the card etc are just the icing of the cake.
This Christmas I am blessed to be close to God once more, to understand and experience the spirit of Christmas in thanksgiving and in other things that matter more than money.
My husband and I witness God's work when we put our faith in God. We are never lack in ANYTHING. God always provide.
More and more I realized my shortcomings and have began to take one step at a time to be a better person.
I am fortunate to realize I have to put Jesus on the center stage to make my Christmas worth celebrating.
But how to do this... I found it difficult to put into words... you have to experience it...

I Killed Me

2009-12-10T07:07:00.000+09:00

I recently began my voluntary work as assistant to an After school children club that focus on teaching children creative writing. Ha! I am in love with the class and with the children. These are primary school children aged 5 - 14 years old. I have worked with 2 groups so far... the young ones (5-8) and 9 - 14 group. Just yesterday, I was put to helped a boy of 6 years old with his story. He still struggle with his writing so he told me his story and I wrote it down. We are to make a story out of a series of pictures on the Wall. The pictures were from one of the famous children book but He made an absolutelly different take of the original story. I think I prefer his story better than the original one.

The slightly older group were wicked!!! They are amazingly great!... We did a group colaborative writing and came up with 8 piece of short stories in 5 minutes. It was amazing! Awesome Kids... I was really having a blast myself. I am looking forward to work with them again on our next meeting.

Below I will type one of the result of our short story where 7 people writing it and I was in charge in rounding it up...

I KILLED ME

He raised the knife to strike but found he couldn't. It was too hard. He'd came this far. Somehow, it just wasn't right. And now he stood in the open alley. He considered for the first time fleeing... running back down. Running home. Running away.

No. He resisted. With his jaw set and the feeling of not running away, he drove the knife into jack's chest. The blood gushed out far quicker than Ollie had imagined it would. He attempted to stop but the force driving his hand was much stronger than his. He saw Jack's face mirrored in the steel kitchen wall. Strangely... it was Ollie's own face. Ashen white and stunned.

A comment on "A life to Live" = A life worth living Share

2009-11-28T20:08:00.000+09:00

I recently started a what I called The Writing Blog. The purpose is a thematic sharing page between me and my friends, especially my friends in English Department Ambon, My students at my English course at home as well as my other friends who will find the blog useful for them to keep writing (even though only 1 passage) in English. I suggested 1 theme to write each week and sent the notification to all I thought will be interested. I get some reply back and I found myself warmed by their responses. Some are funny, some are sad... but through that I and hopefully those who read learn about different way we live and experience.

This week theme is A life to Live.. So far there are 9 comments but what I want to share here is my father's comment I found on it this morning. What I thought first that the blog will help others to practice English etc... Praise God! It has become a voice of God telling me how beautiful and blessed my life is, with great parents, family and friends. Thank you Daddy and Mum for being the greatest parents who always remind me of what is important in life. So I am going to post this week theme and my father reply to it below. But you can also welcome to check the Writing Blog site. May it be a blessings to you.

http://anniewriting.wordpress.com/2009/11/25/a-life-to-live/

A Life to Live

England is a land of intrestingness… :) The weather is grey and not so sunny and bright as in America, but still it possess a great nuance. It’s like a set of mystery movie and picture. There’s something I like here that you might find a bit peculiar. I like the cemetery or the grave yards. I am fascinated by the eery yet serene feeling when I look at it. It is beautiful as it will hamper a wide spread of grounds with jutted carved headstones and statues of angel. I find the trees surround it very charming in their big and stronghold roots.

Most of all when I look at the graves, they remind me of LIFE.. yes life… not death. It reminds me of how shot life is and what I would want to do with it. I wonder what will people think of me when the saw my headstone one day. Thus, it propels me to be a better person.

OK… now think about yourself. What do you think/want people to remember you for, when you die one day…

I know, it’s kinda scary thought of death… but it will be a good start to get better, right?

Very well, Write away friends!

Helena

----- My Father's Comment -----

Dear Eny

A life to live seems to be a simple theme, but in reality it is hard to put something down into words about a life someone is living. Many people do not even know why they are here in this world, why they are alive; they thought it is just because a woman gave birth to them so they are here on earth. On what reason and on what purpose they are being created, they simply don’t know. The thing is, some people dont even want to know why. Is it a choice for them to be (a)live? Do they even have other choices as well. I am not talking from the point of view of a Christian, but from the eyes of a common earthling. For a (true) Christian it is clear and without any doubt knows and understands the purpose of being created and how to live his life. He is being created on behalf of and because of the LOVE of the Father to him/her, and to live a life is living in the grace and blessing of the Heavenly Father in patient preparation for the eternally life together with the Father in His Kingdom, for His Kingdom must be filled with people he loved.
Living a life is living surrounded by all the beauty of the creation, the sun, the clouds, the rainbow, trees, mountains and valleys, birds, bees, people, family, neighbours, etc.

Do you remember the trip 3 hour trip by motorbike from Halong to town during the extremely hard times of our life; the civil war in 1999 – 2005. We had to leave home a 05.30 or 06.00 in the early morning; me to my office and you to college? Arriving home in late afternoon or sometimes in the evenings depends on the weather and the condition of the motorbike? Remember when we must slide down by motorbike from the top of a mountain through mud and rain, remember when we must climb a steep mountain-side by holding on roots of trees arriving in town all wet and covered by mud? Remember when we sometimes must sleep at uncle Senry’s house because we were too tired to travel through the mountains back home. In fact it wasn’t even our home, it was a refugee’s place we called home, for we have no home no more.

But through it all do you remember when we on our way by motorbike in the early morning, always stopped for a while to admire the colors of the splendid sunrise from behind the island of Nusalaut, and thanked God for He is such a great painter. We thanked Him for we enjoyed His creation which gave us strength to continue our trip, our life through those uncertain days. Do you remember our favourite place on the top of the mountain, before entering Hutumury, where we used to stop end enjoy the view, pray, and thank the Father for His care and love. We didn’t have much during those days, but He was so wonderful pouring our hearts with richness of His creation. We felt like we had everything, those days.

Do you remember the time when we celebrate Christmas Eve, in Halong during the conflict years, where our dinner only consists of some poor rice porridge? There were no Christmas tree, no presents, no new clothes, no nothing. Those are the passage of the life we’ve lived.

And now, when we look back upon all those days we’ve lived, we do realize there is nothing else we would like to go through, what has happen during our lives is priceless, it is not to be compared with anything else.

The life to live for me, for you, your husband, my family are the days of certainty, no doubt many events are awaiting ahead, good ones, bad ones but all above all, that’s the life to live.

Daddy

Thanksgiving in Christmas

2009-11-26T02:15:00.000+09:00

It's the last week of November means Thanksgiving is near.. In fact... it is tomorrow.
YAY!!! to friends and family who celebrate it.

What comes to me when I have the chance to celebrate Thanksgiving last year was how similar it is to our Christmas celebration in Ambon and Indonesia. We will remember the bountiful food and the importance of gathering together as family around the table to share the food full of thanks giving in our hearts (sounds like a song... hmmmm).

Hmmm... thinking of Thanksgiving make me miss Christmas in Ambon, Indonesia, more and more. These last few days I've been fed up with all this christmas-y cheer here in UK. All day long the TV, the Newspapers, The magazines, the billboards all adorned in festive-what they called- Christmas theme. but I loathed all those... And as Christian (as the sermon this Sunday echod) I am slightly offended.

Some of you probably have sent herds of Christmas cards, but did you notice that more and more cards said "Seasons Greeting" instead of "Christmas Greetings". And Christmas is nothing but presents and gifts... A commercial vandalism to the message of Christmas... One of the TV Commercial... Christmas is not Christmas without ***** (name of shopping place)... or... "Come on! It's Christmas buy those luxurious treat"... And worst of all... I am sad to see so-called-father christmas is a fat guy in red shouting ho ho ho wiggling his belly. Please Christian people do not trade Jesus for Santa Claus or Sinterclass.

Someone said well... what can you do, Christmas is a culture now... another said it's a habit... another said It's public thing... well... think whatever you like... As Christian I am offended, sad and angry because it is us, the Christians, who allow such degradation to the real meaning of Christmas that supposed to be more than just a gifts and presents in pretty wrapping.

Where is Jesus? Despite all the snicker, awkward smile and rolled eyes I receive when I say this... as well as a lurched to a 'intelligent' discussion about the existence of Jesus and the history of Christmas Day.... I have faith in Jesus. I am a Christian and that is my faith.

It is what faith is all about. Hebrew 11: 1 "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see".. It is beautifully translated in Indonesian language in much deeper meaning "Faith is the basis of everything we hoped for and proof of everything we do not see-cannot see-have not seen". Who are you to judge me wrong for at the end of the day when Jesus come as the crowned King, the Mighty Judge of universe, you and I will be given our reward for being faithful. 2 Timothy 4:7 "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith".

I feel the celebration here in UK is just a commercial christmas-y, a seasonal celebration and fallen so far off from the spirit of Christmas - thanks giving for the faith we shared, the love of God came down to earth as human and sacrifice for us, the love that surpass the act of giving present.

It is the love that is shared together around the table of family meal instead of grand Christmas dinner with "party like a celebrity" and ended up drunk in the morning of Christmas... or missing Christmas morning church service because we are too busy opening present from the fat man in red.... give me a break... where is this fat man in other times of the year when food are scarce in our plate... I wonder if at these times the food or money or job will be dropped from the chimney or be found in the Christmas socks.

This year thanksgiving and Christmas I am thankful for:
- Extraordinary Family and friends. Near and Far... and our little family.. just the two of us.
- Christmas Tradition that still remember the true Christian spirit.
- Each moment that God reminded me of what is important in life.
- Each little and enormous blessings I receive in life
- Each mistakes God helped me to mend

I will miss:
- The coming around the table on Christmas eve dinner holding hands in bowed heads to pray in thanks giving for God's blessing this year and years to come. And then hugs and kissed each other and ask forgiveness if there are grudges we still keep for one another.
- Playing firecrackers and kembang api and air mancur with nieces, nephew, brother, sisters, neighbors while waiting for 12 midnight for a Christmas eve prayer together as family.
- Came out after 12 to the sound of cannonballs from ships, church bells rings loudly from every direction, big fire works in the sky and hopping to next door neighbors for a Merry Christmas Greeting. Sometimes we pull chair and sit out side with family and friends.. bring the cookie jar, tea or lemonade outside to share together.
- Waking up in early Christmas morning and rushed to church with our new dress. Joining the herds of people on the street also heading to church for Christmas morning service
- Then the day continue with receiving visits from family and friends and little children. Take turn to go and visit our relatives.
- the homemade foods and cookies!!!! No store bought and factory made cookies and cake can beat these massive array of food. December air will be filled with cake and cookies smell.

Aahhh... In spirit of thanksgiving for God's wondrous blessing I wish All who celebrate Thanksgiving a bountiful blessing and togetherness... and to all of us who celebrate Christmas, may you find the true meaning of Christmas this year!!!

And I Began to Speak in other tongue

2008-09-13T21:51:00.001+09:00

94 Sherman Street
9/11/2008 11:48 PM

My study had finally began.
The first class was a little “O My God”.
Not just because, we are required to read up to 9 books but also the depth of content in the course that I fear I might fall behind.
See.. it involves theology interpretation of the bible etc. A concept I’m so foreign to it.
I am a Christian but never really have theology background.

Half way through the class I was intimidated by the other student in the class whom seem so bright, knowingly and expert on the field. While I find myself sitting there, kept saying to myself… “Uh-Oh… What did he says again? Who’s that person he mention?”.
Ooooh It’s funny when I think back to that second.
I mean… clearly I do not speak their language. How can I cope with that?

Then my lecturer gave 10 minutes break. I rushed to the student lounged.
Am I running away?
Am I so frightened?

A glass of cold water refreshed my dull mind

I am intimidated
But not by others or by the course … (well, maybe a little bit)
But by ME
I intimidate myself
I let myself to think that I cannot.
Who says I cannot? I just have to work a little harder

I marched back to the room with a brand new thought
Clearly I do not speak their language
But this course will enable and prepared me for a 1 year journey here at Hartford Seminary

And yes… I began to speak in other tongue

PS. Thanks Jacky

A Place I can Call Home

2008-09-13T21:47:00.001+09:00

94 Sherman Street
09/06/2008

The leaves of the Oak Trees in front of the main building of my campus has started to turn yellow, red and brown and then they fell to the ground. They say Fall is coming. It is also marked with the temperature drop and chilly wind. Something totally new from where I came from. I was indeed lucky to taste a little bit of scorching summer heat which left a good tan marked on my skin.

So here I am.. in America
I’m loving this new place
The people… the surrounding… the feeling … the sound

Who would have thought that a little girl dream of going to America is finally come true after quarter century of her life. The story she heard from her father about America and the thing she saw on TV. The people, the weather, the food, the roads, the technology. Now she’s experiencing it but in a totally different way. Her own way.

Before coming here, I imagine a big city with skyscrapers, hectic traffic, and people rushed about everywhere not caring who you are. I found things different here.
Green all around me… we have traffic but not as I imagine it is…
I found smiling faces around me… really care who you are.

Then I thought… God actually knows what I need better.

I arrived very very tired at JFK and found 3 big smiling faces.
Jacky, Nick and Virginia… Thank you for being there…

Then the driving… I know all of them must have been tired.
But thank you for making the trip comfortable.

I found a welcome note from my housemates…
Heartwarming welcome… from a friend I just haven’t met
And they are more than friends.. they;re family

Then everything just fall right in to place.
No rush… just flowing.
This morning, I sat in front of my window watching the squirrel plays
And the trees talk to each other.
And I think …

I can call this place …Home

Getting closer to the departure Time

2008-08-18T21:55:00.000+09:00

Of all the things in the world, why must people fight because of GOD? If GOD should be the most Mercyful and Most gracious… the Love and The Live. Why must we show no mercy to others, why must we hate instead of love why must we killed?

I remember our Interfaith Maluku uniform, the black T-shirt with a bold white letters said “GOD, What is Your religion?”. Wearing the T-Shirt back in that first time, was with a twinge of hesitation. It’s quite a provoking letters we have there across our chest. Then as I walk along the work in Interfaith and flirt with conflict in Ambon. The words rang so true.

Each of the religious group possess certain arrogancy that they “way” is the right path to God. That they are defending GOD. Why defending GOD? GOD is capable of defending Himself. (I guess I heard this sentence from someone too).

My bestfriend (my boss but he hated to be called that), once wrote a poem about the young combatants in conflict which then I translated it, with the title “When God is Weak”. For me that was the most profound poem I ever read and it touched me so. Yes, Is there a time when GOD is weak? If He is weak, He cannot be GOD. Or is it just us who personifies ourself as the little god? Miniature god who can take the lifes out of others, who can judge others as pagans and we’re the saint ways.

GOD does exist and HIS presence is so overwhelming and so true. Am not talking about religion. Am talking about GOD. Don’t get me wrong, Am not against religions. I’m proud to be called a Christian. Not because it is one of the major religions in the world but because of my GOD. My Jesus. My saviour.

Why can’t people just forget about this and that of religion as institution and started seeking GOD.

What about start seeking for the destination instead of fighting and killing over insisting others what we think is the right path to the destination.

Many roads leads to Rome, right? People said this things. Can this be count in religion? It’s not that simple you said?

I said it is that simple. Unless you wanted to achive “other” goals and start utilizing hate through religion.

I’m getting closer to my departire to my study nest. Uncle Sam’s Home. And again many road leads to rome. I can choose from whichever airlines and routes I prefer and still I get to Hartford. I can take advices from people about how to get there. But in the end I am the one who make the decision. I am the one who pay my ticket fare. That’s my rights to choose and to believe that what I choose is right. Nobody should kill me and despise me because I choose a different airlines and different routes to get to US.

Would that be the same as religion as the path to GOD?

Studying Islam

2008-08-18T21:47:00.003+09:00

Here I am… For 2 weeks I have been reading books and articles about Islam, answering question on why I want to study Islam, facing shock and disbelief faces of people when I told them am going to study Islam and respond reassuringly to those who warn me not to convert. Why is it so weird for them to hear me studying Islam? Is it because I’m a Christian?

These 2 weeks I hear myself answering those question as honest as I can be. I am not just trying to honest to them but also to myself. This is a challenging road I have chosen to take.

I am awarded with scholarship at one of prominent university in US to take up Islamic Studies and Moslem-Christian relation. I’m getting myself ready to a new endeavor on Islam and also America, the land I have never set foot on, until yet 2 months from now.

This area of study was suggested by my best mentor (he hated to be called boss), who was also studying at the university. He had literally coached me on many different aspect of my life long learning. When I first join Maluku Interfaith Institution. I felt I have so very nothing, I was scared and didn’t even trust myself. I suppose he gave me all the stepping stone I need plus giving me a great kick on the butt every time I let myself being defeated by me.

Anyway, When he first suggested I absentmindedly jot it down my application form. Part because I think I won’t be accepted anyway. Little did I know that, GOD has a road ready for me, the road I have always fear to thread.

Long after that, through some struggling with financial requirement and battling my already giving-up self. Then I received the news telling me I got the scholarship. I was so overjoyed I jumped in glee only to realize that I have just finish my shower and was only wrapped in towel. I stopped jumping but could not stop myself from giggling and smiling.

Then after the euphoria ended.. realization washed over me. I’M GOING TO STUDY ISLAM?

Well, it’s not that I don’t wanted but it felt weird. Some memories of the past conflict play on my memory slides. Different negative images and stereotypes and remarks shouted themselves from my negativity shell I have locked some time ago.

Am I to blame for this? Is this the right reaction of someone who called herself peace worker and interfaith worker? For God sake, Helena, you must be objective, My brain shouted at me.

Then I think again. This is normal. I believe this is GOD’s will for me to study this subject. This will complete my healing from the trauma during the conflict. I have considered myself healed. I have even helped people overcome the pain of conflict. But I must confess, These silent prejudices I inherit from previous generation and worsen by conflict are not over. They lie there in that negativity shell ready to explode.

If i wanted to complete my healing, I must find the answer to these questions in my head. I must able to see them beyond killer and hypocrite people.

I’m being honest. I’m learning. I’m walking to crossover.