Studying Islam

Here I am… For 2 weeks I have been reading books and articles about Islam, answering question on why I want to study Islam, facing shock and disbelief faces of people when I told them am going to study Islam and respond reassuringly to those who warn me not to convert. Why is it so weird for them to hear me studying Islam? Is it because I’m a Christian?

These 2 weeks I hear myself answering those question as honest as I can be. I am not just trying to honest to them but also to myself. This is a challenging road I have chosen to take.

I am awarded with scholarship at one of prominent university in US to take up Islamic Studies and Moslem-Christian relation. I’m getting myself ready to a new endeavor on Islam and also America, the land I have never set foot on, until yet 2 months from now.

This area of study was suggested by my best mentor (he hated to be called boss), who was also studying at the university. He had literally coached me on many different aspect of my life long learning. When I first join Maluku Interfaith Institution. I felt I have so very nothing, I was scared and didn’t even trust myself. I suppose he gave me all the stepping stone I need plus giving me a great kick on the butt every time I let myself being defeated by me.

Anyway, When he first suggested I absentmindedly jot it down my application form. Part because I think I won’t be accepted anyway. Little did I know that, GOD has a road ready for me, the road I have always fear to thread.

Long after that, through some struggling with financial requirement and battling my already giving-up self. Then I received the news telling me I got the scholarship. I was so overjoyed I jumped in glee only to realize that I have just finish my shower and was only wrapped in towel. I stopped jumping but could not stop myself from giggling and smiling.

Then after the euphoria ended.. realization washed over me. I’M GOING TO STUDY ISLAM?

Well, it’s not that I don’t wanted but it felt weird. Some memories of the past conflict play on my memory slides. Different negative images and stereotypes and remarks shouted themselves from my negativity shell I have locked some time ago.

Am I to blame for this? Is this the right reaction of someone who called herself peace worker and interfaith worker? For God sake, Helena, you must be objective, My brain shouted at me.

Then I think again. This is normal. I believe this is GOD’s will for me to study this subject. This will complete my healing from the trauma during the conflict. I have considered myself healed. I have even helped people overcome the pain of conflict. But I must confess, These silent prejudices I inherit from previous generation and worsen by conflict are not over. They lie there in that negativity shell ready to explode.

If i wanted to complete my healing, I must find the answer to these questions in my head. I must able to see them beyond killer and hypocrite people.

I’m being honest. I’m learning. I’m walking to crossover.